06.26.17: confusion

"There comes a time when you feel a need to gather your thoughts.

The surrounding movements can become overwhelming especially seeing people that can trigger you.

It's absurd I tell you."

-notes taken on my journal 06.25.17

I skated yesterday night around the city I live in, even though my knee is messed up.

Yet, I felt the urge of going out to do something sort of reckless and feel that I have control of my actions. 

Yes, we have control of our actions all the time but it can become a haze to our own eyes when you find yourself doing consistent things.

You start to think others are managing your life for you and you are simply an embodiment of a capitalist contributing figure with no sense of emotions or humane characteristics.

The idea of not owning your body, a human form of putty, is scary.

This thought overwhelms me, and triggers me to become confused on who I am as a person. 

As I skated yesterday night, I began to cry. 

How do I remind myself that i'm an actual person with full control of myself when it doesn't seem that way to me?

Even the emotions that I was experiencing at the time I was skating, didn't seem as though they were my own tears. 

I was disassociating myself from my own body which tripped me out. 

I've heard people talk about disassociating themselves from their own body, but never had I experienced it myself until yesterday.

The thought of not being "I" but seeing the overall look as the "we"; the contribution of the human mass to society both economically and socially. 

Not even a smidge of a individualistic look on this ideal crosses my mind, even though i'm all for looking at the intersectionality of people. 

Considering various factors such as: cultural background, environment,and personal morality, that make up a person.

Why am I not thinking this way?

Why am I trying to dismiss all of this, and just look at things in a broad way?

- Karla Yeseñia López