06.26.17: confusion

"There comes a time when you feel a need to gather your thoughts.

The surrounding movements can become overwhelming especially seeing people that can trigger you.

It's absurd I tell you."

-notes taken on my journal 06.25.17

I skated yesterday night around the city I live in, even though my knee is messed up.

Yet, I felt the urge of going out to do something sort of reckless and feel that I have control of my actions. 

Yes, we have control of our actions all the time but it can become a haze to our own eyes when you find yourself doing consistent things.

You start to think others are managing your life for you and you are simply an embodiment of a capitalist contributing figure with no sense of emotions or humane characteristics.

The idea of not owning your body, a human form of putty, is scary.

This thought overwhelms me, and triggers me to become confused on who I am as a person. 

As I skated yesterday night, I began to cry. 

How do I remind myself that i'm an actual person with full control of myself when it doesn't seem that way to me?

Even the emotions that I was experiencing at the time I was skating, didn't seem as though they were my own tears. 

I was disassociating myself from my own body which tripped me out. 

I've heard people talk about disassociating themselves from their own body, but never had I experienced it myself until yesterday.

The thought of not being "I" but seeing the overall look as the "we"; the contribution of the human mass to society both economically and socially. 

Not even a smidge of a individualistic look on this ideal crosses my mind, even though i'm all for looking at the intersectionality of people. 

Considering various factors such as: cultural background, environment,and personal morality, that make up a person.

Why am I not thinking this way?

Why am I trying to dismiss all of this, and just look at things in a broad way?

- Karla Yeseñia López

06.21.17: Heritage park

I had an odd day, and a pal decided to take me to a local park to lift my mood up by test shooting.  

He also wanted to test out his new camera that he had purchased recently. 

     

- 

06.14.17: goals

"¿que harias si te ganabas la lotería?"

"what would you do if you won the lottery?"

"mí vida sería mas tranquila"

"my life would be calm"

It's a constant topic that is brought up by mom, winning the lottery, the strive to change economic status in a small amount of time.

The obsession for financial stability by my mom has been a topic stressed since I was a young child. 

Constantly hearing, "voy a comprar $3 de super lotto en la esquina" (i'm going to buy $3 worth of Super Lotto") , every Thursday afternoon as I sat glued to a kitchen table with my eyes locked to my computer screen.  

Even as I attended school in San Francisco, 347 miles in between both my mom and I, the words "voy al casino ahora, echa me suerte" (I'm going to the casino, wish me luck), would eventually come up in our phone call conversations. 

The disappointment at times of financial loss from gambling did at one point affect my mom emotionally, and mentally. It shifted her persona, and made her forget the difference between good/bad priorities. 

Yet, the goal is present. 

Everyday, on our long drives around the city running errands. The same question is asked:

"¿que harias si te ganabas la lotería?"

This constant question had made me realized what my constant goal is which I vocalize. 

What do I strive for everyday? Is it materialistic or not?

All day I think of the future, how I want it to look, and plan the ways which I can achieve it. 

Yes, that is a way to set a long term goal but what if that constant planning is really what I strive for.

The ability to change up how I want my future to look like rather than having a specific goal of "a house with a family", does it really have to be just one goal?

Do I not have the ability to change it up constantly that it may seem to others as me practically testing the waters on wanting a set goal?

Am i not able to strive for the idea of being able to have the choice of changing my goal? 

Well, that is my goal. 

My goal is to have the ability to change what i want for my future, I don't want a set goal because people change. 

Sometimes we can have a set goal implemented in our minds for a long period of time that we don't acknowledge that "Hey, that's what i wanted 10 years ago when my situation was this way. Now i really don't want that."

I remember Loebs lecturing about people having a set goal as elementary kids of their future career in regards to character development. 

Kids set their mind to wanting a certain career choice like wanting to be a doctor or a teacher. 

As these kids grow up: environments change, and education illustrates insight on certain topics. 

The individuals that once strived for the set career choice, learn that maybe they want to be something else but because they want to accomplish a goal set years ago. They dismiss this new goal which accommodates them as the person they are now rather than someone they were before. 

Should we really set our mind to one goal then, if we change as a person as our character is constantly growing?

-Karla Yeseñia López

06.09.17: #lonelyadventures

Spontaneity is something I live for, which is ironic since I stick with my usual routine on a day to day basis.

I remember the day the idea of being spontaneous was introduced to me; junior year of high school. 

My friends and I had finished seeing a movie at the local movie theater when the cashier at the box office started to flirt with me. 

The whole interaction with the cashier and I reminded me of the 90's movie with all the cheesy gestures, and pick up lines.

Of course, as a high school student, my face expressed joy at the fact some attractive dood showed interest in me.

At the end of it all, we didn't exchange numbers since I had no interest in pursuing anything or neither did they. 

It's then and there, my friends and i created the 'spontaneous movement'.

Ever since that day, I analyze my spontaneity levels. Look at the actions I take and whether it's new or just a choice of routine. 

Yesterday, I decided to raise my spontaneity level by venturing off to the beach after returning paperwork for a room i'm trying to rent close to school in Long Beach. 

The beach is a few blocks from the place i'm moving into in the beginning of July, a 10 minute drive to be precise. 

(I just received a call from the manager regarding the application, and it was approved! AYO!) 

The beach adventure consisted of running alongside the beach for 5 miles, and stripping on the beach to dip in the water. Surprisingly, the water was warm even though the winds were intense. It's crazy how the weather works especially here in SoCal where the weather isn't consistent. 

Looking out to the sea while I was swimming in the water made me realize how our world is huge. 

It's an obvious fact:

 the world is big,

 the world is round,

 the world is blah blah.

Yet, it can be unfamiliar to us when we are stuck in our day to day routine. 

Our jobs, school, family business, and such can make us forget that we can be stuck in our own bubble sometimes.

I get that, we get busy with 'real' issues, and our priorities are set to solve those issues first rather than looking at the vast of the blue ocean or analyzing nature in general.

I'm privileged with the time I have right now before work starts to consume my life, and eventually school. 

Just the fact of our world being huge with various places to explore, various cultures to learn, and infinite amounts of objects to discover, as a foreign concept to us is an interest I took as I observed the ocean yesterday.

I usually don't do these type of posts but i feel that spontaneous trips can be fun to share, and we all like to snoop into people's lives so why not?

Fun fact: My niece thought my "Boomers" tattoo with the egg was a fidget spinner lol. Kids these days right? 

-Karla Yeseñia López

06.05.17: habits

Again, I find myself at the local coffee shop. 

Drinking my first cup of coffee for the day at five in the afternoon, which is odd for me.

I usually drink from 2-5 cups of coffee now on the daily but because i'm trying to stray away from such high caffeine consumption, the limit for coffee a day is two cups. 

Coffee is addicting, and i'm sure this isn't some new revelation but to my body it is lol. 

You know what's also addicting? The idea of spontaneity. Going out of your everyday habits to try new things. 

Usually, i'm the last person who likes to go out of their usual routine. It bugs me...a lot... when my every day routine is messed with. 

Today, however, I decided to pick up on my photography, and venture off to the places I usually go to, but nit pick the details I haven't really thought about this time. 

A photo challenge via Whittier Wandering's instagram  encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone of following my daily routine. The owner of the page is currently hosting a photo challenge for this whole week which is a great way for local photographers to know different styles of other photographers or even create connections.

Most of the time, i'm intimidated by participating in local challenges since I can be shy but sometimes you have to push through those fears!

Alley ways are the best place to find the weirdest moments, or the best. I've witnessed shady transactions, or skaters hiding their sick moves from the public eye. 

I took this photo going back home from doing all the photo taking. A cop was watching me the whole time as I didn't have my hand on the wheels, maybe he let it pass because I wasn't doing any harm or they were too lazy to intervene. 

This bench has significance meaning to me, it's talked about in my personal journal that I carry around. It's also my go to sitting place at this park. The view from sitting at this bench is not bad, and it's in the center of the park so it has a nice gloomy effect at night with the lamp post. 

The streets of uptown are weird to me. It can be crowded on one street with teenage angst filling the sidewalk, and you can walk to the next street where you find no one but your reflection on the windows. Utter silence with only the noises of your foot steps echoing against the walls. 

-Karla Yeseñia López 

06.02.17: frustration

Here on this friday night, I find myself at the local coffee shop filled with frustration. 

A frustration of why i'm starting to become dependent on others for joy or entertainment in general. 

I reach out to people in doing the simplest tasks, going to get coffee, when I can actually do that myself.

I can get myself a cup of coffee, and go on my laptop to self loathe on other people's lives via social media.

I mean.

Isn't that what social media was created for? 

For people who don't have physical company to have a sense of somebody by simply looking at an Instagram story?

Social media in general was created to boost an individuals ego to reinforce an objective person everyone wants to be. Individuals showing others what they don't have by glamorizing their own lives.





What does it mean to be an "I" anyways?

Am "I" really the person "I" am? 


The other day, I read an article(which I forgot the link to, smh) of middle schoolers facing the issue of self identity. These pubescent bodies facing intense emotions of questioning who they are, which makes most of them try new actions. 

The article mentioned the fact of middle schoolers having the highest rate in drug usage, and sexual interaction. 

I mean, it makes sense why young adults are facing this issue but really if you think about it. We all face this issue of "self-identity" throughout our whole lives. 

Every day, we begin to intake new knowledge of things, and become aware of new actions/desires.

So, this "self-identity" issue isn't just an occurrence within a specific age group. It's only focused on an age group because everyone sees a statistic associated with adolescents. 

Obviously, you need to look out for the children because everything is for the children.

The schools are for the children, entertainment like t.v shows are for the children, new infrastructure is for the children because they will all procreate as well and their children will see the future, and so on, which continues the cycle of maintaining human kind. 

Screw the adults then when it comes to talking about their self-doubt to everyone, they can figure things out because they are: 

mature,

have experienced life already,

need to manage things by themselves,

and should know a sense of direction.

Honestly, this cynical view has been a habit of mine. 

It's confusing me. 

I don't know if my current views on everything is what I am as a person? 

Have I been suppressing my thoughts that are seen as cynical to others because they are unpopular, and will be tackled down?

- Karla Yeseñia López 

05.31.17: favorite moments

currently, my pal “insomnia” is visiting me. 

it’s been a frequent visitor lately, and i don’t know how I feel about it. 

My insomnia somehow motivates me to do some journaling, blogging, or crafting. I mean, usually the lack of sleep is inconvenient especially when you have to wake up early the next morning for school or work but now since I don’t have those responsibilities lined up for me.

Well, at least not for the moment.

I can use the malicious visitor as a positive factor in my life. Get into all the creative habits I once would do on a day to day basis again. 

Turn something good into a bad thing, right? 

Which is where i find myself right now, inspired to write a blog post while I listen to a response playlist dedicated to angsty college freshman year karla.

                                           

Here, on this early Wednesday morning, I find myself looking through my camera roll on my phone. 

Something, I don’t do often unless i’m sending a photo to my friends or looking for the screen shot with vital information, usually a pic of a pug.

The curiosity of my camera roll made me realize how there is recent moments that I was able to capture. 

An action of attaining a moment physically which is hard for me to incorporate on a daily basis. I usually like to soak in the moment rather than stress over photographing it. 

April 26, 2017:

The Walters show at Bottom of The Hill, SF. 

Joss, Sarrita, and I went to the show with the idea of standing in a crowd of elderly individuals since it was a Wednesday night show. Yet, the venue was filled with metal heads whom started a mosh pit similar to one that would be at a Tyler the Creator’s shows. The Walters btw have slow songs most of the time, even then, it didn’t stop the metal heads from smashing their heads together including 
me. 

May 20, 2017

Goodbye party at Zoe’s, SF. 

Zoe decided to throw a small get together with close pals for the last farewells before we all departed our ways for our summer adventures. Honestly, I don’t remember much this night. I do remember trying to keep up with the ping pong ball as it drifted from one side of the table to the other as everyone played beer pong.

March 30, 2017

A visit to Coit Tower, SF.

Joss, Sarrita, Mia, Jess, and I decided to venture off to the hidden treasures of SF. The highest peak in SF intrigued us to view the beauty which the bay possess. Other people on the peak of this hill intrigued me as well, they all had different reactions to the view which made me realize how some people appreciate nature and others don’t. Well, in this case, the development humans have done to nature by establishing buildings and other architecture. 

April 2, 2017

Mission Library, SF. 

Towards the end of the semester, the chicas and I made it a habit to do homework at Tierra Mia in SF. During the long hours of studying, I strolled around the neighborhood where I found the local library. The Mission library had different posters relating to the history of Latinos and the culture. Encouraging me to lose myself in the building to find all the hidden treasures of the latino culture hanging on the walls. 


- Karla Yeseñia López