24 August 2017: solo excursion--bday extravaganza: San Diego

Have you ever had those moments where you desire to do something but know it will never happen?

It might be 99% of your thoughts or .001% of your thoughts. 

I happen to take these "absurd" thoughts into consideration in my life, they push me to strive for the "goals of absurdity", well according to my humble mother, and give me a form of self-discovery.

Just the other day, I decided to take a solo trip for my birthday to San Diego--the home of detrimental Sea World. 

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting much of this trip because it was last minute and the idea of being slightly intoxicated by myself in a hotel room elsewhere seemed appealing to me at 11 p.m. as I booked the hotel. 

Obviously, as the days passed by and the day of my adventure came closer. A list of outcome expectations from the trip started to appear, and grow.

They consisted of: 

1. Learn new places and see new faces.

2. Reflect on how far you have come in life (positives only)

3. Soak in every minute, and don't rush-- especially walk fast

I tell you this now, it was hard to do goal two and three after 6 p.m. since I was slightly intoxicated walking around the San Diego harbor. 

The easy task during this time was knowing how my debit card worked in a museum gift store that I didn't even buy admission to. 

I did, however, soak in all the areas San Diego has: from rural to naturistic. 

The diverse culture of San Diego which is seen from the Chicano presence in the inner part of the area, especially the history of Chicano Park. 

A history that I had been exposed to in an ethnic studies course at SFSU, which was one of the classes I didn't have high expectations in learning anything or having anything embedded in me for the rest of my life. 

Boy.. was I wrong. 

Well, the knowledge of the Chicanx history did make me appreciate the art displayed in the Logan Barrio far more than those cringy tourists.

Not to say it's offending these say "cringy tourists", they have better fashion than me so really, who's winning here? not me.

The naturistic part of San Diego, the parks and harbor were delightful. 

They made me feel at home since parks speak to me, and most of the time they are a distant cousin of mine down the line.

Well, the weird and complex family bloodline of mine.

This connection of nature was where I made most of my reflection which tends to happen most of the time when I visit parks. 

Most of the meditation I do on a daily basis happens here, which is great to know I can do in different places, especially new places. 

This San Diego solo excursion trip didn't change me completely as a person or give me a full rebirth, but it did give me a tune-up of my outlook on life. 

It has inspired me to plan solo excursion trips for the future to self-explore and start a segment on this blog called "rndm outings".

The blog segment itself will help me face the fear of writing and face the harsh reality of pursuing a career as a writer. 

Let's say-- it isn't pretty.

Before I end this blog post abruptly, I wanted to give a shout out to the living and dead cells which have made/are making this 20-year-old body functional.

#20chica

- Karla Yeseñia Lopez 

15 August 2017: new people

How do you meet new people? 

The popular dating platform, the notorious Tinder, has brought many people together for the good or bad. 

I have used Tinder in the past, not on a continuous use. 

Maybe months at a time, since a period of bashing on its use and purpose for the population discouraged me from using it after a while. The experience with matched individuals especially the distasteful experiences were a discouraging factor too. 

This bashing then lead me to delete my glammed out Tinder account, to which I would reactivate various months later, enticed by curiosity most of the time. 

Recently, i've been thinking about these Tinder experiences.

The good and the bad. 

I've thought of the mentality I went into creating the account every time I reactivated it. 

The purpose of why I would reactivate besides being curious, and what I wanted to get out of it. 

During the start of the Tinder frenzy, my goal was to find a serious partner-- a loving one. 

Well, whatever the meaning of Love meant to me during that time because let me tell you-- it has changed. 

The definition of Love during this early frenzy was just to hear someone else say, "I love you" to me, vocally. 

Nothing else.  

I had never heard another person, other than close family and friends, say it to me. 

This Love, had to come from someone that had no blood line connection or history. 

Love, unfortunately, didn't come around during this time. 

Well, not the way I wanted it.

I stopped using the app that took a chunk of my phone's storage space. 

To which, I experienced new discoveries with individuals in person without this tool.

Months later, I hopped on it again.

This time with the intention of exploring the supposed physical Love everyone is obsessed with. 

I'll depict this past objective with a Mad Men reference since I've been obsessed with it lately. 

It's the Love, Don Draper is willing to give every gal who crosses his path.

I didn't crave this Love; I could care less about the physical interaction. 

The goal was to explore why people believed the physical bond signified and took 99% of the meaning of Love in their eyes. 

Did it have to do with having a symbolic meaning of ownership for the person or was it for mere pleasure?

or 

both? 

This curious time period did bring experiences that were both unpleasing, and eye-opening. 

I'd say self-discovery was also made during this time too. 

A real life example of sexual consent was also depicted to me; the meaning of a consensual "yes" vs. "no". 

Something which is pushed now a days in school classes, but not really specified with different scenarios. 

After this, I stopped using the damned app. 

Now, reflecting on what happened during these frenzies; I begin to see that my expectations were high. 

Most of the time, my objective was not only to discover things but it was to prove something to someone.

I don't regret going through the experiences but it does come with a lot of emotional drainage. 

Well, the way that I was approaching this dating app--yes.

The idea i'm trying to get across here is knowing the limits that you are willing to go. 

I didn't have any going into both objectives, it was sort of me being free-for-all type of dealio for these strangers. 

Personally, the stability to draw limitations wasn't there for me. 

I'm talking about self-stability.

I was seeking people to rely on which is ironic because i'm stubborn and self dependent most of the time and didn't draw this dependency as a limit.  

Even now, I catch myself asking too much of people with emotional stability or trying to portray myself as emotionally weak so someone could stabilize me.

Yet, I know what I have and the causes of sleepless nights. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few nights ago, someone had called me to ask for this emotional stability. 

They were abusing my phone line with words that were both threatening and worrisome. 

I started to cry for this person, they needed reassurance of themselves. 

I was being asked to stabilize them even when they knew what was triggering them, and how they could solve it.

Why did I have to reassure them of stability when they knew exactly how they could do it themselves? 

Why did I expect this from the various people I matched with on Tinder, when they had no obligation to do so? 

Why did I have to think these individuals needed to show me the purpose or meaning of something when they probably don't know it themselves? 

 Thank you to all the people that I have met through this glorious app of genius, emphasis on the term "glorious". (sarcasm)




*All cheeky photos of Tinder adventures

- Karla Yeseñia Lopez 

10 August 2017: "cool girl"

"If only all our dreams were coming true
Maybe there'd be some time for me and you"

-"Lota" by Angel Olsen 

A "cool girl" is --well-- someone who is stable, and is fulfilled with self-love. 

I mean, who made this term/symbol, "cool girl" and why did they ? 

Well, I would have wanted to have made a simple term like this tie with a significance meaning. 

but

I didn't. 

A Medium writer, Kris Gage, made this whole concept up in an excerpt entitled "Your issue with cool girls is your own insecurity". 

Not the term itself because obviously "cool", and "girl" have been in the english dictionary since the beginning of dawn or even when the king size lizards were walking around on this earth. 

The concept of "cool girl" is referred to the unhighlighted character in most T.V shows, and movies.

The dynamic character which strays from the codependency of others for emotional, and physical support; the bad ass bitch. 

In which Gage uses various examples such as "Robyn from How I Met Your Mother, Charlie from High Fidelity, Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada, or Mattie Ross from True Grit."

Gage illustrates the difference of the dynamic character to the typical emotional leech character by depicting a grid with different characteristics of the "cool girl", and "lame girl".

The green box, shown in the grid above, is the characteristic held by the "cool girl"--

you strive to be in this square.

According to Gage, the "Pseudo cool girl" is the "no no box", you do not want to pretend to be "cool" or "not give a fuck", when this person would most likely being sensitive to crowd pleasing. 

An example of the "Pseudo cool girl" is Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, funny right? 

The "cool girl" character of Gone Girl, or said to be "cool girl" from the description given to her as Gage quotes directly from the movie itself: 

“Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want.” 

All just a phony mess. 

The "cool girl" is independent, and doesn't strive for love like Amy Dunne did in the movie.

They, the "cool girl", don't have time for such "bullshit", and want to instead invest their time in selfish needs; the good type of selfish needs. 

I, personally, want to be this "cool girl" but still have to pass the obstacles listed as the Pseudo cool girl characteristics. 

Eventually, i'll blossom into this incredible title, and become a sick ass person. 

Maybe even show up in a TV show or movie, and be entitled as the underestimated character with a dynamic kick. 

*All photos were added to emphasize the "cool girl" character i possess, the narcissistic photographer trying to get a hold of an "appealing" aesthetic.*

-Karla Yeseñia Lopez